I've loved a lot of men. I think that love is often times a term that gets thrown around too easily. I know I've said I was in love and in hindsight I was simply in lust if even that. Often times I'm just interested in being wanted or even more the idea of being what they want and convincing them of that, but that's beside the point. There have only really been two men who have told me they loved me. Unless of course you count my ex who had six secret gf's and probably doesn't remember saying it or my high school boyfriend who is really just a best friend. The first guy who loved me back was a total mess and the most unhealthy relationship of my life and the second guy is someone who makes me insane, but I can't get away.
A month ago he was laying in my bed telling me he loved me. A week later he had a girlfriend. I found out on facebook. This guy and I have the most UNHEALTHY relationship on the planet. We absolutely cannot function together and yet when I look in his eyes and see him smile I don't think I can function without him. I've never had a man tell me he wanted to make children with me or that he loved me. Those are the two things in the world that are the most important to me. The two things I need to complete my dreams. It may be silly, but it's what I've always wanted because I know that my goals and dreams are attainable so I put them on hold until I get the two things I don't know if I can ever have, love and children.
I really think that facebook could be the devil. Seeing every detail of someone's life with their new "love" is just down right unhealthy. Thanks for sharing that you love your girlfriend. Thank you facebook for showing me your girlfriend's pictures of you and her child. Thank you facebook for all those photo memories and pictures of him and I together. Especially the ones I look fat in.
Here I am sitting on Christmas sick as a dog looking at this bullshit on facebook. Did I also mention there's a girl obsessed with him even though they've apparently only kissed who writes five million status messages a day about him and how she wants him and blah blah blah puke my guts out...ugh! Now the extra funny part is I'm sick because I kissed him...I kissed his sick ass six fucking days ago. Yes he did have a girlfriend then...the one he loves. The one he is professing his love for on facebook. The one who starred at me miserably the other night when they were out together, probably because she's not as dumb as I was.
It gets even better though. Not only did I kiss him six days ago, but so did another girl. I thought they were friends. I thought we were getting along really well that night and that maybe the hate part of our violent, miserable love/hate relationship was gone. He asked me if I wanted to go smoke at her house and she said she would give me gas money. I agreed to spend a minute more with him. Somehow we all ended up playing a sex dice game/truth or dare and the next thing I know I'm watching the man I love kiss another girl, but he's not just kissing her when the game says to he's kissing her the whole time. I'm jealous, but I play along cuz it's been three weeks since I've kissed him and I need it to survive. When I can't handle the jealous any longer I say it's time to go...but he stays. He stays knowing she wants to fuck the ever loving shit out of him. I have no choice but to leave someone I "love" with another woman to fuck. The next day he begs for a ride. He doesn't understand how hurt I am. He doesn't feel disrespectful. He just doesn't get it. I fell out of love that night. I'm glad I did, but I still can't bear to see him publicly love another woman.
I know that it's not possible. You can't love someone you date for a month. You can't love someone when you're fucking other people. I wouldn't want him anyways...he'd just cheat on me. Even though I know he doesn't love her, even though I'm dying to tell her but can't, even though I don't care, I'm heartbroken as all hell. I also know when I look at that smile too long I'll feel the love all over again. I can't figure out how to be done.
