I can't be witty with the weight of the world on my heart

I'd love to give you a witty, epic title and come back to my blog with a bang, but instead I'm coming with raw emotion, probably a few grammatical errors, a lack of censorship and my heart. I haven't posted since March. Two of my entries have been being used as evidence of sorts in my rape trial since in March, a year after the incident they finally decided to get off their asses, fire a prosecutor and get one that cared...or so I thought and began work on my case.

The whole thing has been an emotional roller coaster, sometimes at the forefront of my thoughts and sometimes buried deep in an attempt to just forget about it and wait. It has been continued a thousand times. I was told ten to life. Then 16 to life. Then "how about a plea of 5 years". Today without so much as a returned call or any inclination of giving a damn I have to read online; Hearing cancelled: Stipulated. Of course I have no idea wtf this means other than the fact that it's not going to trial because no where in the year and a half of crazy court documents has it ever said cancelled. Apparently hearings cancelled due to stipulation are those cancelled in agreement with both parties and stricken from record. Hmmm pretty sure I never agreed to that. Why wouldn't they even think to ask or tell me first? This isn't a wait three more months...we swear it will happen soon deal like the paste, but a finalization without a resolution. It's just done. Here I sit waiting....

Waiting to call and call and call and call tomorrow praying for someone to answer with answers.

I'm broken today.

I feel like all the work I've been putting into myself, all the white knuckling to hang onto sanity, all the strength being sober (oh yeah did I mention I'm six months no alcohol) all of it feels gone. I want to pull out the 9 I bought for safety, the gun I have in case he comes to kill me and just disappear. I couldn't though, I wouldn't. Not for love of myself, but because of what/who I'd leave behind, but don't think my brain doesn't play the different ways on repeat because it does. Take me somewhere peaceful...I've forgotten that feeling.

I just want him to know what he's done to me. Who I've become. What I gave up. I wanted my day in court. I deserve that. For the risk I put myself at even calling the cops...I deserve justice.

How is the system so broken that a man with multiple DV charges, assault, possession, kidnapping, disarming an officer and now rape get to walk away? Why was he even out to begin with? How does someone who disregards the law so much that they're pimping and dealing over a jail phone line and throwing up gang signs in their mug shots have more right than I do?

How did I end up giving him all of the power? He probably doesn't even think of me...not even while he sits in a cell waiting and I give him a million too many seconds, minutes and hours every day.

I felt like when I started this I had a point. A destination too, but I ended up off course and I was so numb and so filled with pain and tears that I wandered. I wanted to say something greatly positive about the whole thing, but I just don't have it right now.

I'm still hoping the Universe has got my back on this one and it's not really over...


Edited to ad this pic. I don't know why on earth I would even think to do this, but when I was hysterically crying and couldn't seem to think logically or breathe I somehow managed to think take a picture. I just think crying is so raw and beautiful and there's no words to express pain that deep...sometimes this does it better.