The Definition Of Insanity

Is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Note to Self- I know better. So grow the fuck up and stop being stupid.

My post about being the other woman was stupid. Me thinking that I shouldn't listen to my gut and run, run, run away when I was told there was someone else was stupid.

I want a man who is there for me. Only me. Someone who loves and respects me. Someone who gives me all the things I deserve, regardless of my bad past and someone who doesn't hold it against me. I need someone who doesn't require me to give too much of myself all while hoping that it will lead me to their love. Even if it's as simple as not having to put on sky high heels that make my feet hurt and make me feel awkward just because he likes them.

Even when I forget who I am or I forget how much I have to offer a man, I shouldn't take the first thing that comes along or pays me attention.

Everyone says you find the one when you aren't looking, but no matter what I may tell myself I'm always looking. We go out seven nights a week. Not because I love going out, love drinking or because I say I'm networking, but because if we go out seven nights a week I have a bigger chance of meeting someone.

I spend hours and dollars I don't have getting pretty. I wore and returned my first outfit this last week because I needed a dress to impress a boy. Eighty bucks later it didn't work and I did something I think is sooooo wrong and returned it.

Time to focus on me. No men with women. No matter how sensual they make me feel while touching me softly in all the right places on a deserted stage...ugh. Ugh on me for wanting to be back there on that stage. Time to make changes. Whether I do or don't y'all know I'll still have plenty of things to blog about. Fingers crossed my loves.

"Glad I'm not one of those guys you have to blog about..."

The fastest way to become one of the guys I blog about is to comment on the fact that you aren't. In reality the only reason why this next person wasn't in my blog is because the story is insignificant and a little boring.


While I was living in Olympia I did a lot of dating. Nothing that really had any serious impact except maybe for married boy and we already talked about that. I dated my first Korean boy, I slept with a black man who loved rock music and was named Elvis (random I know) who refused to date anyone seriously and didn't believe in love so of course I was extra smitten and I dated Stefan. Now I use the term dated very loosely. Out of all these boys Korean James was the only one who actually took me on dates.

I guess the story of Stefan is kind of interesting simply because it brings up the story of Kelsey. Kelsey was the first girl friend in Olympia that I really bonded with. We met on craigslist and instantly became glued to each other. We told each other just about everything. Mainly about our faults and dating problems. Kelsey and I both dated through a string of guys and shared a few of them. Stefan was one of them "kinda".

He hung out at the local bar and the first night I met him was only the second for her. She didn't like black men and I LOVE them and they're hard to find in Olympia. So of course being the awesome friend I am when it comes to boys I tried to get in on it. She told me she wasn't interested and gave me her blessing, but as him and I talked she was similtaneously texting him telling him that I was a big slut who she didn't think was "clean" and things of that nature. All these texts would be denied when our friendship broke up and I told her ex all of her transgretions.

Stefan and I slept together a handful of times. I was convinced he had a girlfriend still. I lovingly called her gap tooth. Yes, I know I'm so sweet. He's the first guy to leave jack in the box french fries in my bed, even though he worked at taco bell he never brought me free burritos (big brownie point loss there), he threw sleeping with Kelsey in my face and stormed out of my house (later denied it), he liked to only come over during booty call hours and I can't even tell ya the best part because I respect Stefan still even if our dating story is really lame and I probably shouldn't talk to him anymore.

Oh and if I could mention the fun stories that Stefan and Elvis used to tell me about the other to convince me that the other was no good we'd have a whole other blog.

So thanks Stefan for reminding me of yet another man in my life to blog about. Bet you'll think twice about facebook comments now. Say hi to gappy for me.

The Other Woman

I've been the other woman more times than I would like to count. Funny thing is I've never done so intentionally. Many of these men will fall into categories that will have me blogging about them in more detail later. Well as soon as I figure out how to tell their stories tactfully, but in detail as I happen to be friends with a few of their girlfriends or wives now. Shout out to my girls if you're reading you know who you are.

I've dated guys with another girlfriend, I've dated guys with wives and I even dated a guy who had about five or six girlfriends. With some I saw the signs and others I was totally blindsided. Like with the hairstylist/military man whose wife so lovingly called me on thanksgiving to tell me of her existence and then again a month ago to ask if I gave her a special gift that doesn't go away. It wasn't me so I guess I wasn't the only other woman there either. I fell in love with him instantly. We talked about marriage, what we would name our kids, the works. I had no idea there was someone else. Or I guess that I was the someone else. I had even asked him a million times over if he was married or had ever been and he sincerely said no every time.

Anyways the point of this blog wasn't to go into detail about all the men I've loved who loved someone else, we'd be here too damn long, but instead it was to discuss a new situation I've found myself in. I was approached by someone I've been seeing around for a long time. Not my usual type, but someone who makes me feel beautiful when he looks at me. We've been talking and both of us are pretty crushed out. Then out of the blue he says to me...So you know I have a long time girlfriend right? He tells me it's no secret and it's a wide known fact. My heart dropped into my stomach. Here is this dude who has been giving me butterflies something wicked and seems to really dig me and he's got a girlfriend and kids at home.

Now to me if a man chooses to go outside of the home that's on him, but I've still never purposefully allowed myself to be the other woman. I have rules about not opening your legs to another woman's man because the karma from that is gonna get you yours and you wouldn't want some woman doing that to you.

Problem is. I don't think I wanna follow my rules this time. What's wrong with me that has me thinking like that. Aren't there any single, respectful, sexy black men out there that want me so I don't have to date one that's already taken? Why is it that when he tells me it's not just sexual and acts like I'm different than the other groupie girls he meets that I actually believe him? Why is it that he loves the way I same his name and that I can't stop saying it, thinking it or wanting to whisper it in his ear? Damn it's a good name too...I'd tell ya if this wasn't a big secret. Guess it's not that secret since I kissed him at his place of employment around people who know us because I didn't know he couldn't be mine.

Do I just want him because I can't have him? But isn't it having him in a way if he isn't fully with her? What's a girl to do? It's not as cut and dry and just walk away because you know it's gonna end badly. It's not as easy as do the right thing. This guy. He sees me already. In just a short amount of time he told me the things he likes about me and they're all the things I forgot I liked about me, but keep saying are what makes me an amazing woman.

Guess it'll make great blog material if nothing else. I'll keep you posted my loves.

A kiss I can't forget

I kissed someone I shouldn't the other day. He has a girlfriend. I used to be his girlfriend many many moons ago. I love him with all my heart. He's the ONLY man who really knows me. He's seen me for who I really am and still loves me unconditionally. He's my best guy friend. He's such a huge part of my life. He can stop my tears or start them.

And he kissed me...

And it felt sooooo good...

I told him it felt like home...

Safe, warm, loving, happy...

He isn't mine even though I'll always feel like he is.

I want him.

I didn't think I felt that way even though I always ask him to just marry me.

But I can't get that kiss outta my head and I want to do it again.

Bad bad bad...

Before there could be a resurrection there had to be a betrayal

I was looking back in my old emails and found one about forgiveness and finding the beauty in betrayal. It was sent around Easter and was about Judas and his betrayal that lead us to the resurrection. Now those of you reading know my blog isn't based in faith, but that doesn't mean my beliefs and spirituality don't stem from it.

I've spent many years trying to find the beauty in all of my heartbreaks and betrayals. There's been a few doozies that don't make their way into the humorous section of my encounters. Most recently (march 28th 2010) I was in a situation that had me fighting for my life. A man I had very casually dated and seen a handful of times in just over a year had come to visit. We had a fight and he was beyond intoxicated. I asked him into my home to keep him from diving drunk. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

His anger escalated an he held me hostage in my home for three and a half hours. He spent the first three intimidating me with threats of beating me and shooting me. The look in his eyes was one I've never seen and it will never leave my memories or my nightmares.

In short he ended up punching me in the head repeatedly. The first time a man had ever laid hands on me. The first punch I had ever felt. I knew I was going to die. All I could see was my baby sister and I broke at the idea of her growing up without me. I was scared to punch back, but instinct had me raising my fists and kicking my legs. This increased his anger and I feared he would retrieve his gun from the car and shoot me before I could escape. I tried to play nice. I knew he would rape me first so I took measures to remove my own pants and hide my phone so he couldn't get it. I screamed praying neighbors would hear. They did, but weren't brave enough to call 911. After beating me and raping me he passed out, but not before assuring me we'd have all of tomorrow to be together. He had claimed me as his.

I ran. Barely dressed and barefoot I fled to 711 where Terrance, my beautiful angel, worked. Terrance had a concealed weapons permit and was always packing heat. He came back with me as I  cried hysterically and left voice mails for my friends begging them to tell my family I loved them and said goodbye because I was still sure I would die. I though he would be waiting. It took an hour and a half of standing in the parking lot for me to gt the guts to call the cops. I knew he would retaliate. When they arrested him out of my bed he didn't even know where he was. He asked the cops to call me so I could clear things up.

Months later he is still a free man. I'm awaiting news from the prosecutor to tell me how the case will proceed, but my file is probably forgotten.

I thought my life was over and when it wasn't I thanked god for the beauty that is life even with it's bads. I loved my family more than I could imagine even though they now looked at me differently. Like I was broken. Like I wasn't there's anymore. My friends left. Including my best friend of eighteen years. I'll never understand that one.

The point of thus isn't to just retell as sad story though. The point was to talk about the resurrection that is following. The blessing in the betrayal. I got out of my lease in Olympia due to a domestic violence clause and I didn't lose a cent. I moved back to my hometown and I met new an better friends. I can now raise my sister and help with my nieces and family. I have a career I didn't before. I met a man who showed me beauty and worth for a short time and a few who didn't. I learned to assert my needs and get rid of those who don't meet them even the man who originally showed me that my needs were deserving of meeting.

I'm still broken. I cry at night and I'm left without closure for now. I get scared when I hear a strange noise and I'm still waiting for him to find me and kill me. But I know a resurrection is coming. I can't be the girl I was before. I have to be new and I'm working on it. I'll be an activist for women as I've always tried to be. I'll change the world or at least the life of one person because of what I've seen. I'll forgive him one day. We all make mistakes. I'll be whole again even though something beautiful was stolen from me.

Take a minute after reading this to think about the betrayals in your life you've been holding on to. Big or small and ask yourself if you can forgive. If you can find the blessing in the betrayal. Holding it in eats away at you. It holds you hostage. Jesus didn't see himself as a victim of his betrayal. He knew he had a bigger purpose. Let's find ours.

Thank you for reading your love and support means the world.

Premarital purple

Now that I think of it maybe purple is somehow related to satin or at least to sinning. Well at least premarital purple. This one time at Jesus camp...I got in trouble for making purple. Because boys are blue and girls are pink and when they mix you get purple. Maybe that's why I love purple so much because we all know I love it when boys and girls mix haha.

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but I think my bait has gone bad

I'm a huge fan of plentyoffish.com. I love free dating sites and this one really does a great job. I've met some amazing friends, reconnected with people from my past by accident and got the chance to have a date with the most beautiful man I've ever seen. However last nights date will go down in history for being the worst thirty minutes ever. This guy found me on the site and didn't have many pictures or much to say, but he seemed like he might potential. We exchanged numbers and he asked what I was doing for the rest of the day. I was dying of boredom and had had some boy drama earlier in the day an was down to make a new connection. I've definitely learned that texting is not the way to make a date because five seconds on the phone with this guy would have saved us a ton of time. He drove from northgate for a chill hangout date in my living room. Normally I don't allow strangers anywhere near my home, but for some reason I wasn't concerned and having my roommate Jonelle around gives me a sense of safety. I should have known something was wrong when he started hounding me about full body pictures when my profile has half face shots and half body shots. When he arrived I noticed his thick Caribbean accent and instantly knew that culture could play a role in our miscommunication. After sitting on my couch and looking around the first thing he said was, "Do you like purple?". My smart ass told him that I hated it and that's obviously why I painted my entire house purple. He then asked if I was a satanist. WTF? Apparently in his world people who like or wear purple are Gothic satanists. The rest of our thirty minute conversation continued this way. He got mad when I asked if he was feeling like we had chemistry because apparently chemistry is an online dating term and using it made me less real. There wasn't an ounce of chemistry not even when he told me all about the Mandingo in his pants.

When my roommate arrived the first words out his mouth were "Oh, you didn't tell me your roommate was black". This set me off. I asked if he wanted me to share her sexual orientation too and any other pertinent details with him. Mind you he was also black so really not sure where this comment came from. I told him he had been offensive from the start an cited his purple comments as a reason and without another misspoken word he bolted out the door. Minutes later I received a few misspelled texts saying that he was glad men in my past had treated me like shit because I was no good and that is what I deserve and that his only regret was not telling me I was a bitter man hater.

Jokes on him though. My purple, Mandingo man loving ass is one blog closer to a book.

How to use Jesus as an excuse to have a one night stand

Sophomore year of college I briefly lived with three other roommates, Robbie, Joseph and Britney. One night Brit invited an old high school boyfriend over and he brought the now infamous Deforest. Yes I know who wouldn't though Deforest was a name, but apparently it is. As with most college nights that include copious amounts of drinking things started to get sexual. Oh side note...I can't possible forget to mention my Fabby (my word for fabulous gays) Andrew was with us :) Britney ended up hooking up with our roomie Robbie while I was left with her ex hitting on me. Deforest in all his strange,quiet black beauty watched on and my fabby got wonderfully wasted for his first time ever as I poured drinks that only a tank like me could handle. As the night went on everyone passed out except Deforest and I. He sat me down and in a very serious voice told me that Jesus had told him I needed to be saved again and that he was urging me to pray with him. He said he had been sent to show me the error of the ways and teach me that I could give up sexual advances, excessive flirting and boozing in trade for Jesus. I listened carefully and respectfully and then Deforest led me to my room. He said he was gonna sleep in my bed to keep me safe from the temptations of the other boys. Then with the same seriousness as before he pulled at a massive Mandingo of a penis and said simply..."suck my dick". This story is now lovingly referred to as come to Jesus! Now suck my big black dick.

Now if that isn't a good enough way to manipulate Jesus for your needs this next one should really help. Senior year of college I had a huge crush on a big lipped, tall, skinny basketball player. He was sweet and kind and had an incredible smile. I can't even remember how I got lucky enough to have his number or hangout with him, but I'm sure it had something to do with my bar job. Our first time hanging out alone at my place we kissed for four hours straight. Nothing but middle school reminiscent kissing. Like two hot, horny teens who were too scared to take it to the next level. We were on fire for each other, but even with all that energy we wanted to wait and grow together before moving things farther. A million texts, a case of blue balls and a presidential election later we finally sealed the deal. It was the night Obama was voted in and the two of us were ecstatic to see history made. We laid in bed discussing life, politics and our feelings for one another. We were set on making things official and becoming bf and gf so we thought it was silly to wait through all of our sexual tension when we each knew what we wanted. The sex was average at best (not on my end) and a few sizable matters had been "misjudged" with heavy petting. Even with certain things "lacking" I wanted to be his girl.

The next day he sent me a text saying. I gave my life to god. Not knowing how to respond I asked if he was being serious. He said he was and that he had found Jesus. I resisted the urge to ask where he had found him and instead told him I was willing to go to church with him if that's what he wanted. I was in it for the long haul and really wanted to be his gf no matter what it took. He said I was simply to tempting to see at night, but a few days passed and I didn't see him in the light either. He ignored my texts and calls and when I saw him at the bar on Thiggle Wiggle Wednesday (18+ night) dancing with hot underage girls in the dark I knew Jesus had taken the fall for his desire to one night stand me. To this day he never truly explained his reasons for lying or ditching put on me, but who would want to when every time my friends in I would run into him out we would yell Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen!

Now you know even Jesus can be an excuse for sexual sins.

***Disclaimer!!! I am in no way trying to be disrespectful of god or religion this blog is meant as humorous recaps of true stories however unbelievable. Jesus is my homeboy I'm sure he'd have a good laugh too ;)

Doin' it

I love black men and on that list is the beautiful lip licking LLCoolJ. As a DJ I constantly get to play songs that remind memos amazing moments in my life and doin' it is definitely one of them. As an eight year old girl I got my first non Raffi cassette tape and it was the doin' it single. The cassette was white and I covered it lovingly with wet and wild hot pink lip prints. I loved me some Ladies Love Cool James! I would play it over and over as I memorized every single world and practiced my moaning in sync. I knew little of sex, but LL helped to prepare me for the long, sexy road ahead.

Another song that influenced my childhood was OPP. At age six when my parents were newly divorced and mom and I lived in an apartment, just the two of us, I met Jamie Barnes a little girl with a big family who would change me forever. One of my most vivid memories was of her coming to me on the playground to tell me that she had heard an amazing new song and wanted to teach me. She chanted "Ya down with OPP?" and instructed me to follow her with "Ya you know me!" I didn't learn what OPP stood for until my 22nd year. This may explain a few things about me.

I also spent many childhood years under the sheets late at night hiding the fact that I was grooving to Kube 93.3. I was convinced two dollar sex on the beach meant you got a little blanket and your own section of beach. To this day I can also completely recite "It's like Romeo and Juliet hot sex on the platter just to get you wet..."

If men are like buses than how do I catch one?

That was actually a title of christian dating book I read in high school (I currently do not associate with any religion and am instead a highly spiritual person who draws from many religious backgrounds), but it seems fitting right now after my date with the bus driver. I guess I can't really call it a date when we skipped five million bases and decided we should take a nap together at his home because we both had early and long work days. I would have to say that these are probably not the situations a sensible girl puts herself in, but my quest for love has often times left me senseless. Maybe I should take a minute to make a small sidebar and warn those reading that my life is not ideal. My choices with men may be very different than yours. I have indeed been far to likely to engage in promiscuity than most, but in my defense it has always been because I think it leads to love. I've done waiting (as long as a year, he left me two days later). My end result always seems to be the same so now I do what feels good, what my silly little brain thinks is right, what I sometimes feel pressured to do or just what I want to do feeling like an empowered woman. It all depends on the given moment. If these choices are too much for you or you feel the need to preach another way to me please move on. This blog isn't here so that you can pass judgment it's here so I can share my stories and hopefully help others and myself along the way while inspiring a few laughs. Back to the story at hand. We "napped" it was nice. Kissing him was nice. I felt safe (a huge plus), I felt myself looking past a few things that weren't my usual "type" and I pictured the possibilities of a future. He has a steady job, owns a home, has a cute dog, goals, dreams and seems to be serious. So of course I immediately found a way to screw it up. Self sabotage is kinda my specialty. I got mad. He wasn't showing enough affection and I took it personally even though in reality it was probably because it was hot or he was nervous and he was telling me his dreams. His ideas for the future of his home. He was sharing and opening up, but I didn't feel like he liked me enough to be thinking ahead about whether or not I could be in the future. Being a planner and a romantic I always instantly picture a man in my life just to see what it would be like. If I don't like what I see I move on. *Note to self...Guys don't think the way crazy ass over-thinking girls do. So I ended up leaving. He didn't ask me to stay. I did it on principal. I didn't want to go. I made it awkward because I knew no other way of doing it. I kissed him on the cheek out of spite. To prove a point. He was upset about it, but I didn't give in. I wanted to be chased. I wanted to feel wanted. That has always been what it's come down to. I want to feel wanted and liked. I don't know that I've dated anyone who actually liked me. Such a simple thing. I know I haven't dated anyone who loved me. So if you're reading this I'm sorry. I'm gonna try to put down my wall and make it work. Make it up to you, but I might need a little help. That pink rose in the garden has my name on it ;)

I'm not the kinda girl you give flowers to...

...I'm the kinda girl ya give chlamydia to. Now mind you I'm not saying I'm running around with STD's but I've always felt like I'm a toss around kinda girl. Never by choice just a product of how the men in my life have always treated me so in turn I came up with this saying as a humorous defense mechanism for coping with life. Flowers may seem like a silly thing to some girls and in reality as much as I like em I've never measured a relationship by them. I'm not that high maintenance girl who needs them all the time but I would really love them just once. All my wildest romantic fantasies involve flowers. I want them to be sent to me or for my guy to show up on the doorstep with them in hand. I want to blush and gush over them and say you shouldn't have even if we both know you needed to. The closest I've ever gotten to flowers was a few years back. I had met this guy online. He had pursued me relentlessly even though I wasn't interested at first. He wasn't my type and I wasn't physically attracted but the more we talked the more our attraction grew. Finally the weekend came when we were set to meet. Full of nerves I got rest for his arrival. Fifteen minutes before he it was time for him to be here he texted me asking what my favorite flowers were. I was ecstatic...until an hour past and then another with no word. He finally called saying he had run into some old friends at the store and went to their house for a beer. I was fuming but tried to be understanding. Hours and hours passed with no word. Finally I received a text telling me he had actually run into his ex-girlfriend and they had hooked up and he was madly in love with her again. The only question I really had was where were my flowers? Did she get em? Did he buy them even or was she just too distracting? All in all I'm still waiting for that first guy to give me flowers...I really thought by now someone would have done it just to be sweet and break my bad luck. Sadly no. Hopefully it comes sooner than later. A lot of men have promised or joked. None have come through.

Procrastination is a bitch...but then again so am I

So I have been meaning to start a blogspot for quite sometime. Everyone has always told me I should write a book about my life and all of the crazy things that seem to only happen to me in regards to the dating world, but my ADD and lack of direction is stopping me. So instead y'all get this blog. I'm hoping I can write about current dating woes and lessons as well as write up the occasional past story that has earned notoriety among my friends. Hopefully I can recount "come to Jesus now suck...", "I can't see you at night anymore I found Jesus", the boy who ran into his ex while buying me flowers, my 22nd bday "I'm going to the bathroom I'll be right back" and many more horrifying stories. Some will be funny, some are heartbreaking like the story of John or Kyle, some are life changing and others are just small bumps on the map. Maybe one day I'll get lucky and this dating blog will turn into something like Autumn Meyer's and be an amazing story about motherhood and marriage, but for now I'll share the woes of single with all my settled friends.

BTW, I should be sleeping right now seeing as I have an insane work week ahead that will no doubt kill me, but I actually happen to have a boy on the brain. I'm a hopeless romantic who thinks fate is a big deal. Everything happens for a reason (even all these horrible dating mix-ups that happen to me). So...when I first moved home from Ellensburg I took a job at a marketing firm in Bellevue where I went around to different companies selling coupons. Horrible job, except for these fabulous days I spent with the amazing employees at Community Transit in Everett. I've thought back to this day frequently, but only because I remembered a sweet lady who I promised to have coffee with and neglected to do so before moving to Olympia and back. Well today I was on Plenty of Fish (yes I internet date...even craigslist...it's hard out there for a single girl with my luck) and a handsome black man with one very vague picture sent me an email. His profile was awesome so we started instant messaging. When he told me he working at the Community Transit we began a discussion about my time selling coupon deals there. He said he remembered me and that he said hi, but I was shy. I was sure he was remembering the wrong girl seeing as shy isn't in my vocabulary. He then said he remembered another girl who had talked to him for awhile as he was stuck on light duty and she had shamelessly tried to convince him to buy a mexico vacation package and take her with him. Needless to say that girl was me. We ended up exchanging numbers and talked on the phone for an hour plus before finishing the night texting. It's funny how timing works. I was a different woman than. I hadn't been through my incident (a posting all of itself to come when my mind is right) and I was far from knowing what I wanted or truly deserved. He said the same thing in terms of being in a different mind set then than he is today. I'm curious to see what will come of it. Might make for more eciting dating postings.

I am dating though. It's healthy and I like boys. My options are open. So those of you I'm crushing on if you're reading don't think you're safely outta my gaze yet ;)