Nothing's gonna hold me down oh oh I've got to keep on moving!

It's been awhile since I've blogged. To be quite honest there are a multitude of reasons why. The first is because I'm sensitive. I've been strong for many years, but when people call me names or say mean things I revert back to that little girl being bullied on the playground or maybe more like that sad teenager being bullied by her mother. I've been receiving blog comments from Fenton. They are always negative, sometimes to close to true and even insightful in their meanness. They make me want to give up and so I did for a bit.

I started feeling like maybe it was wrong to put myself out here so publicly. Since I've pretty much only received negative feedback from this random stranger it seemed pointless to continue. Obviously reading my blog leads people to certain assumptions. By now you've probably realized I've had too many sexual partners. Maybe you think I'm reckless, stupid, slutty or just crazy, but maybe a small percentage of you will see who I really am inside and why I'm writing this. Yes I'm sometimes childish, delusional, pathetic, self glorifying, you name it really, but I'm self aware. Something most people can't claim to be. I know who I am. I know my mistakes. I'm not afraid to share them because I know they were made with the best of intentions.

So I'm back and if you don't like it you can go right ahead and fuck yourself. Why waste your time reading and commenting if you hate me so much?

The Definition Of Insanity

Is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Note to Self- I know better. So grow the fuck up and stop being stupid.

My post about being the other woman was stupid. Me thinking that I shouldn't listen to my gut and run, run, run away when I was told there was someone else was stupid.

I want a man who is there for me. Only me. Someone who loves and respects me. Someone who gives me all the things I deserve, regardless of my bad past and someone who doesn't hold it against me. I need someone who doesn't require me to give too much of myself all while hoping that it will lead me to their love. Even if it's as simple as not having to put on sky high heels that make my feet hurt and make me feel awkward just because he likes them.

Even when I forget who I am or I forget how much I have to offer a man, I shouldn't take the first thing that comes along or pays me attention.

Everyone says you find the one when you aren't looking, but no matter what I may tell myself I'm always looking. We go out seven nights a week. Not because I love going out, love drinking or because I say I'm networking, but because if we go out seven nights a week I have a bigger chance of meeting someone.

I spend hours and dollars I don't have getting pretty. I wore and returned my first outfit this last week because I needed a dress to impress a boy. Eighty bucks later it didn't work and I did something I think is sooooo wrong and returned it.

Time to focus on me. No men with women. No matter how sensual they make me feel while touching me softly in all the right places on a deserted stage...ugh. Ugh on me for wanting to be back there on that stage. Time to make changes. Whether I do or don't y'all know I'll still have plenty of things to blog about. Fingers crossed my loves.

"Glad I'm not one of those guys you have to blog about..."

The fastest way to become one of the guys I blog about is to comment on the fact that you aren't. In reality the only reason why this next person wasn't in my blog is because the story is insignificant and a little boring.


While I was living in Olympia I did a lot of dating. Nothing that really had any serious impact except maybe for married boy and we already talked about that. I dated my first Korean boy, I slept with a black man who loved rock music and was named Elvis (random I know) who refused to date anyone seriously and didn't believe in love so of course I was extra smitten and I dated Stefan. Now I use the term dated very loosely. Out of all these boys Korean James was the only one who actually took me on dates.

I guess the story of Stefan is kind of interesting simply because it brings up the story of Kelsey. Kelsey was the first girl friend in Olympia that I really bonded with. We met on craigslist and instantly became glued to each other. We told each other just about everything. Mainly about our faults and dating problems. Kelsey and I both dated through a string of guys and shared a few of them. Stefan was one of them "kinda".

He hung out at the local bar and the first night I met him was only the second for her. She didn't like black men and I LOVE them and they're hard to find in Olympia. So of course being the awesome friend I am when it comes to boys I tried to get in on it. She told me she wasn't interested and gave me her blessing, but as him and I talked she was similtaneously texting him telling him that I was a big slut who she didn't think was "clean" and things of that nature. All these texts would be denied when our friendship broke up and I told her ex all of her transgretions.

Stefan and I slept together a handful of times. I was convinced he had a girlfriend still. I lovingly called her gap tooth. Yes, I know I'm so sweet. He's the first guy to leave jack in the box french fries in my bed, even though he worked at taco bell he never brought me free burritos (big brownie point loss there), he threw sleeping with Kelsey in my face and stormed out of my house (later denied it), he liked to only come over during booty call hours and I can't even tell ya the best part because I respect Stefan still even if our dating story is really lame and I probably shouldn't talk to him anymore.

Oh and if I could mention the fun stories that Stefan and Elvis used to tell me about the other to convince me that the other was no good we'd have a whole other blog.

So thanks Stefan for reminding me of yet another man in my life to blog about. Bet you'll think twice about facebook comments now. Say hi to gappy for me.

The Other Woman

I've been the other woman more times than I would like to count. Funny thing is I've never done so intentionally. Many of these men will fall into categories that will have me blogging about them in more detail later. Well as soon as I figure out how to tell their stories tactfully, but in detail as I happen to be friends with a few of their girlfriends or wives now. Shout out to my girls if you're reading you know who you are.

I've dated guys with another girlfriend, I've dated guys with wives and I even dated a guy who had about five or six girlfriends. With some I saw the signs and others I was totally blindsided. Like with the hairstylist/military man whose wife so lovingly called me on thanksgiving to tell me of her existence and then again a month ago to ask if I gave her a special gift that doesn't go away. It wasn't me so I guess I wasn't the only other woman there either. I fell in love with him instantly. We talked about marriage, what we would name our kids, the works. I had no idea there was someone else. Or I guess that I was the someone else. I had even asked him a million times over if he was married or had ever been and he sincerely said no every time.

Anyways the point of this blog wasn't to go into detail about all the men I've loved who loved someone else, we'd be here too damn long, but instead it was to discuss a new situation I've found myself in. I was approached by someone I've been seeing around for a long time. Not my usual type, but someone who makes me feel beautiful when he looks at me. We've been talking and both of us are pretty crushed out. Then out of the blue he says to me...So you know I have a long time girlfriend right? He tells me it's no secret and it's a wide known fact. My heart dropped into my stomach. Here is this dude who has been giving me butterflies something wicked and seems to really dig me and he's got a girlfriend and kids at home.

Now to me if a man chooses to go outside of the home that's on him, but I've still never purposefully allowed myself to be the other woman. I have rules about not opening your legs to another woman's man because the karma from that is gonna get you yours and you wouldn't want some woman doing that to you.

Problem is. I don't think I wanna follow my rules this time. What's wrong with me that has me thinking like that. Aren't there any single, respectful, sexy black men out there that want me so I don't have to date one that's already taken? Why is it that when he tells me it's not just sexual and acts like I'm different than the other groupie girls he meets that I actually believe him? Why is it that he loves the way I same his name and that I can't stop saying it, thinking it or wanting to whisper it in his ear? Damn it's a good name too...I'd tell ya if this wasn't a big secret. Guess it's not that secret since I kissed him at his place of employment around people who know us because I didn't know he couldn't be mine.

Do I just want him because I can't have him? But isn't it having him in a way if he isn't fully with her? What's a girl to do? It's not as cut and dry and just walk away because you know it's gonna end badly. It's not as easy as do the right thing. This guy. He sees me already. In just a short amount of time he told me the things he likes about me and they're all the things I forgot I liked about me, but keep saying are what makes me an amazing woman.

Guess it'll make great blog material if nothing else. I'll keep you posted my loves.

A kiss I can't forget

I kissed someone I shouldn't the other day. He has a girlfriend. I used to be his girlfriend many many moons ago. I love him with all my heart. He's the ONLY man who really knows me. He's seen me for who I really am and still loves me unconditionally. He's my best guy friend. He's such a huge part of my life. He can stop my tears or start them.

And he kissed me...

And it felt sooooo good...

I told him it felt like home...

Safe, warm, loving, happy...

He isn't mine even though I'll always feel like he is.

I want him.

I didn't think I felt that way even though I always ask him to just marry me.

But I can't get that kiss outta my head and I want to do it again.

Bad bad bad...

Before there could be a resurrection there had to be a betrayal

I was looking back in my old emails and found one about forgiveness and finding the beauty in betrayal. It was sent around Easter and was about Judas and his betrayal that lead us to the resurrection. Now those of you reading know my blog isn't based in faith, but that doesn't mean my beliefs and spirituality don't stem from it.

I've spent many years trying to find the beauty in all of my heartbreaks and betrayals. There's been a few doozies that don't make their way into the humorous section of my encounters. Most recently (march 28th 2010) I was in a situation that had me fighting for my life. A man I had very casually dated and seen a handful of times in just over a year had come to visit. We had a fight and he was beyond intoxicated. I asked him into my home to keep him from diving drunk. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

His anger escalated an he held me hostage in my home for three and a half hours. He spent the first three intimidating me with threats of beating me and shooting me. The look in his eyes was one I've never seen and it will never leave my memories or my nightmares.

In short he ended up punching me in the head repeatedly. The first time a man had ever laid hands on me. The first punch I had ever felt. I knew I was going to die. All I could see was my baby sister and I broke at the idea of her growing up without me. I was scared to punch back, but instinct had me raising my fists and kicking my legs. This increased his anger and I feared he would retrieve his gun from the car and shoot me before I could escape. I tried to play nice. I knew he would rape me first so I took measures to remove my own pants and hide my phone so he couldn't get it. I screamed praying neighbors would hear. They did, but weren't brave enough to call 911. After beating me and raping me he passed out, but not before assuring me we'd have all of tomorrow to be together. He had claimed me as his.

I ran. Barely dressed and barefoot I fled to 711 where Terrance, my beautiful angel, worked. Terrance had a concealed weapons permit and was always packing heat. He came back with me as I  cried hysterically and left voice mails for my friends begging them to tell my family I loved them and said goodbye because I was still sure I would die. I though he would be waiting. It took an hour and a half of standing in the parking lot for me to gt the guts to call the cops. I knew he would retaliate. When they arrested him out of my bed he didn't even know where he was. He asked the cops to call me so I could clear things up.

Months later he is still a free man. I'm awaiting news from the prosecutor to tell me how the case will proceed, but my file is probably forgotten.

I thought my life was over and when it wasn't I thanked god for the beauty that is life even with it's bads. I loved my family more than I could imagine even though they now looked at me differently. Like I was broken. Like I wasn't there's anymore. My friends left. Including my best friend of eighteen years. I'll never understand that one.

The point of thus isn't to just retell as sad story though. The point was to talk about the resurrection that is following. The blessing in the betrayal. I got out of my lease in Olympia due to a domestic violence clause and I didn't lose a cent. I moved back to my hometown and I met new an better friends. I can now raise my sister and help with my nieces and family. I have a career I didn't before. I met a man who showed me beauty and worth for a short time and a few who didn't. I learned to assert my needs and get rid of those who don't meet them even the man who originally showed me that my needs were deserving of meeting.

I'm still broken. I cry at night and I'm left without closure for now. I get scared when I hear a strange noise and I'm still waiting for him to find me and kill me. But I know a resurrection is coming. I can't be the girl I was before. I have to be new and I'm working on it. I'll be an activist for women as I've always tried to be. I'll change the world or at least the life of one person because of what I've seen. I'll forgive him one day. We all make mistakes. I'll be whole again even though something beautiful was stolen from me.

Take a minute after reading this to think about the betrayals in your life you've been holding on to. Big or small and ask yourself if you can forgive. If you can find the blessing in the betrayal. Holding it in eats away at you. It holds you hostage. Jesus didn't see himself as a victim of his betrayal. He knew he had a bigger purpose. Let's find ours.

Thank you for reading your love and support means the world.

Premarital purple

Now that I think of it maybe purple is somehow related to satin or at least to sinning. Well at least premarital purple. This one time at Jesus camp...I got in trouble for making purple. Because boys are blue and girls are pink and when they mix you get purple. Maybe that's why I love purple so much because we all know I love it when boys and girls mix haha.