Before there could be a resurrection there had to be a betrayal

I was looking back in my old emails and found one about forgiveness and finding the beauty in betrayal. It was sent around Easter and was about Judas and his betrayal that lead us to the resurrection. Now those of you reading know my blog isn't based in faith, but that doesn't mean my beliefs and spirituality don't stem from it.

I've spent many years trying to find the beauty in all of my heartbreaks and betrayals. There's been a few doozies that don't make their way into the humorous section of my encounters. Most recently (march 28th 2010) I was in a situation that had me fighting for my life. A man I had very casually dated and seen a handful of times in just over a year had come to visit. We had a fight and he was beyond intoxicated. I asked him into my home to keep him from diving drunk. It was the biggest mistake of my life.

His anger escalated an he held me hostage in my home for three and a half hours. He spent the first three intimidating me with threats of beating me and shooting me. The look in his eyes was one I've never seen and it will never leave my memories or my nightmares.

In short he ended up punching me in the head repeatedly. The first time a man had ever laid hands on me. The first punch I had ever felt. I knew I was going to die. All I could see was my baby sister and I broke at the idea of her growing up without me. I was scared to punch back, but instinct had me raising my fists and kicking my legs. This increased his anger and I feared he would retrieve his gun from the car and shoot me before I could escape. I tried to play nice. I knew he would rape me first so I took measures to remove my own pants and hide my phone so he couldn't get it. I screamed praying neighbors would hear. They did, but weren't brave enough to call 911. After beating me and raping me he passed out, but not before assuring me we'd have all of tomorrow to be together. He had claimed me as his.

I ran. Barely dressed and barefoot I fled to 711 where Terrance, my beautiful angel, worked. Terrance had a concealed weapons permit and was always packing heat. He came back with me as I  cried hysterically and left voice mails for my friends begging them to tell my family I loved them and said goodbye because I was still sure I would die. I though he would be waiting. It took an hour and a half of standing in the parking lot for me to gt the guts to call the cops. I knew he would retaliate. When they arrested him out of my bed he didn't even know where he was. He asked the cops to call me so I could clear things up.

Months later he is still a free man. I'm awaiting news from the prosecutor to tell me how the case will proceed, but my file is probably forgotten.

I thought my life was over and when it wasn't I thanked god for the beauty that is life even with it's bads. I loved my family more than I could imagine even though they now looked at me differently. Like I was broken. Like I wasn't there's anymore. My friends left. Including my best friend of eighteen years. I'll never understand that one.

The point of thus isn't to just retell as sad story though. The point was to talk about the resurrection that is following. The blessing in the betrayal. I got out of my lease in Olympia due to a domestic violence clause and I didn't lose a cent. I moved back to my hometown and I met new an better friends. I can now raise my sister and help with my nieces and family. I have a career I didn't before. I met a man who showed me beauty and worth for a short time and a few who didn't. I learned to assert my needs and get rid of those who don't meet them even the man who originally showed me that my needs were deserving of meeting.

I'm still broken. I cry at night and I'm left without closure for now. I get scared when I hear a strange noise and I'm still waiting for him to find me and kill me. But I know a resurrection is coming. I can't be the girl I was before. I have to be new and I'm working on it. I'll be an activist for women as I've always tried to be. I'll change the world or at least the life of one person because of what I've seen. I'll forgive him one day. We all make mistakes. I'll be whole again even though something beautiful was stolen from me.

Take a minute after reading this to think about the betrayals in your life you've been holding on to. Big or small and ask yourself if you can forgive. If you can find the blessing in the betrayal. Holding it in eats away at you. It holds you hostage. Jesus didn't see himself as a victim of his betrayal. He knew he had a bigger purpose. Let's find ours.

Thank you for reading your love and support means the world.