How to use Jesus as an excuse to have a one night stand

Sophomore year of college I briefly lived with three other roommates, Robbie, Joseph and Britney. One night Brit invited an old high school boyfriend over and he brought the now infamous Deforest. Yes I know who wouldn't though Deforest was a name, but apparently it is. As with most college nights that include copious amounts of drinking things started to get sexual. Oh side note...I can't possible forget to mention my Fabby (my word for fabulous gays) Andrew was with us :) Britney ended up hooking up with our roomie Robbie while I was left with her ex hitting on me. Deforest in all his strange,quiet black beauty watched on and my fabby got wonderfully wasted for his first time ever as I poured drinks that only a tank like me could handle. As the night went on everyone passed out except Deforest and I. He sat me down and in a very serious voice told me that Jesus had told him I needed to be saved again and that he was urging me to pray with him. He said he had been sent to show me the error of the ways and teach me that I could give up sexual advances, excessive flirting and boozing in trade for Jesus. I listened carefully and respectfully and then Deforest led me to my room. He said he was gonna sleep in my bed to keep me safe from the temptations of the other boys. Then with the same seriousness as before he pulled at a massive Mandingo of a penis and said simply..."suck my dick". This story is now lovingly referred to as come to Jesus! Now suck my big black dick.

Now if that isn't a good enough way to manipulate Jesus for your needs this next one should really help. Senior year of college I had a huge crush on a big lipped, tall, skinny basketball player. He was sweet and kind and had an incredible smile. I can't even remember how I got lucky enough to have his number or hangout with him, but I'm sure it had something to do with my bar job. Our first time hanging out alone at my place we kissed for four hours straight. Nothing but middle school reminiscent kissing. Like two hot, horny teens who were too scared to take it to the next level. We were on fire for each other, but even with all that energy we wanted to wait and grow together before moving things farther. A million texts, a case of blue balls and a presidential election later we finally sealed the deal. It was the night Obama was voted in and the two of us were ecstatic to see history made. We laid in bed discussing life, politics and our feelings for one another. We were set on making things official and becoming bf and gf so we thought it was silly to wait through all of our sexual tension when we each knew what we wanted. The sex was average at best (not on my end) and a few sizable matters had been "misjudged" with heavy petting. Even with certain things "lacking" I wanted to be his girl.

The next day he sent me a text saying. I gave my life to god. Not knowing how to respond I asked if he was being serious. He said he was and that he had found Jesus. I resisted the urge to ask where he had found him and instead told him I was willing to go to church with him if that's what he wanted. I was in it for the long haul and really wanted to be his gf no matter what it took. He said I was simply to tempting to see at night, but a few days passed and I didn't see him in the light either. He ignored my texts and calls and when I saw him at the bar on Thiggle Wiggle Wednesday (18+ night) dancing with hot underage girls in the dark I knew Jesus had taken the fall for his desire to one night stand me. To this day he never truly explained his reasons for lying or ditching put on me, but who would want to when every time my friends in I would run into him out we would yell Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen!

Now you know even Jesus can be an excuse for sexual sins.

***Disclaimer!!! I am in no way trying to be disrespectful of god or religion this blog is meant as humorous recaps of true stories however unbelievable. Jesus is my homeboy I'm sure he'd have a good laugh too ;)